i died today... becox it is 29. which is suppose to be my 2 years 2 months anniversary. i guess from now on till duno when. they day that i will stop living is 29. when to continue living is a question. cried the whole of yesterday. the onli way is for me to stop thinking den all the hurt will not be reflected on me. what is moving on? seriously i have always hated that phrase.
this morning i wake up and cried. becox of a dream. i dreamt of janson. i cried becox things wont come true. he would nv ask for a patch up... the mre i think the more i will hate myself for thinking becox i will jux indirectly hurting myself.
while typing this blog entry i realised i have been cring since i woke up at 7.30am......the things he gave me still left in my room. from the teddies of our birth dates, the necklace, ear ring, the fav bracelet, the hair bands ( my fav one broke 3 days ago... does this omen signify things come to an end? i dun dare to think... esp it is him.. the more i think, i will be hurting myself... i really will cry myself to death) to the first mango barcelona tank top he bought me... all kept in a place where is in the center, the first belt he bought me, the flowers he gave me this year on valentine... and the pot on my BED! the bags he bought for me... i left those untouched.and i grew to love the things he bought for me... although when i first received it, i may not like it.but time pass i realise that the things he bough for me is the things i always wear and i began to love them from my heart...jux like how this relationship started..
he may not be smart and strong( physically n mentally). he is timid. his studies is not good. his attitude is not commendable. his temper is atrocious. he loves his hair mre den me. he plays tonnes and tonnes of games and dun care even to take a glance at me. he is not the first class bf with nice nice attitude. treat the gf to sky heavens. he is not this he is not that...but i love him... the trigger to my breakdown ytd n today is i accidentally thought of him. i ask how much i love him and do i love him... that's y i fall and break down. went to think abt it..so im hurt. what do i love abt him is jux love him, accept him.. trying to change him for the better. but he nv listens to me..he listens to his friends. as long as he smile and play truants..with those lovely eyes that he will blink... everythin is worth it... as long as he is there... i tried so hard for this relationship le... he is still like that... there is nth i can do...it has to be both ways... but soon the way i love him will be forgotten by him....soon by me as well... as that nth has happened... this is so tragic... i nv loved someone so much... i love him mre den i love myself a zillion times...........but he dun love me...he wont come back....he wont be better for me.....
guess these 2 days is my 2ht major break down after a month i guess... all i can think of is he will nv be back becox he doesnt love me anymre........... omg this is seriously shit..... i nv fail to cry when i face this words... i turned crazy.. this is not going to happen anyway... he will nv be back.... back to my side under my care.... as worthless as he may seem to many... in my eyes i jux simply love him.... but he wont be back... even he comes back, it wont happen but let's say if IF he comes back.... is it becox he hurts as much as i do? maybe he doesnt hurt at all... with his friends, his pub, his club... that is what he wants right? his life....... he made it seemed so sad....
the one who is sad i guess is jux me... once i think of him, i will be seriously hurt.. so cannot... becox i will die...my heart will hurt... with the studies to cope i cant die... although i wish i could. i dared not face alot of things...esp with him in it. once i touch it, once i read it, my tears will jux be flowing like it nv stop. i will die again... how many times mux i die???
gone are the days of quarrels. now im alone again...everyday i think of him. forcing myself to stop becox it hurts. what is suitability? what is compatability? i onli know if 2 person realli realli love each other they should nv be separated.... he doesnt love me......HE DOESNT LOVE ME.... yet i love him so much.... i really do..... he dun love me anymre................................. if he grows up, he will understand how much i love him.... maybe he wont... becox all along im guiding directions for him... the simple he wont understand... he wont even remember, he wont even care.... he wont even notice... when we separate ourselves from each other, it is meant to be like that....im not even worth anything for him to remember.....
used to tell myself after the break up i will have someone new. someone better... it doesnt make me feel better... but mre afraid... more afraid to be together with the 4th. i dreamt of janson b4 i even met him..so what if i dreamt of the 4th. all the things will come to an end after the break up... i dun wan anymre break ups... i jux wan a settled life... i dun dare to love... i told janson he is my last le... i dun wanto spend time finding a new guy, starting a relationship all over again. but i also told him there are things once he broke the limit, i will nv trust again... so i guess my life jus hang there ma?......... he broke the last guy perception, so i will nv stand again...am i?
okies finally at 9.11am my tears stop flowing...till another break down if not i guess the blog will be left untouch for a long long time..... accumalated?
meanwhile i will try to live... living is hard... it's ok it's ok...when it is hard i will cry again...today i cough out blood when brushing my teeth. the doc says if i dun start taking care of my health, my kidney will have problems... if onli janson is here to take care of me.... but im always the one taking care of him.... truth is nvm... as long as he is there, even as unconcern as he is.... as long as he is there and smiles at me... i will be fine alone.. becox he is there.... that guy dun even know how to take care of himself! how is he going to take care of me! then again, he will nv notice, he will nv care. things will end.....like he doesnt love me anymore....
