i died

i died today... becox it is 29. which is suppose to be my 2 years 2 months anniversary. i guess from now on till duno when. they day that i will stop living is 29. when to continue living is a question. cried the whole of yesterday. the onli way is for me to stop thinking den all the hurt will not be reflected on me. what is moving on? seriously i have always hated that phrase.

this morning i wake up and cried. becox of a dream. i dreamt of janson. i cried becox things wont come true. he would nv ask for a patch up... the mre i think the more i will hate myself for thinking becox i will jux indirectly hurting myself.

while typing this blog entry i realised i have been cring since i woke up at 7.30am......the things he gave me still left in my room. from the teddies of our birth dates, the necklace, ear ring, the fav bracelet, the hair bands ( my fav one broke 3 days ago... does this omen signify things come to an end? i dun dare to think... esp it is him.. the more i think, i will be hurting myself... i really will cry myself to death) to the first mango barcelona tank top he bought me... all kept in a place where is in the center, the first belt he bought me, the flowers he gave me this year on valentine... and the pot on my BED! the bags he bought for me... i left those untouched.and i grew to love the things he bought for me... although when i first received it, i may not like it.but time pass i realise that the things he bough for me is the things i always wear and i began to love them from my heart...jux like how this relationship started..

he may not be smart and strong( physically n mentally). he is timid. his studies is not good. his attitude is not commendable. his temper is atrocious. he loves his hair mre den me. he plays tonnes and tonnes of games and dun care even to take a glance at me. he is not the first class bf with nice nice attitude. treat the gf to sky heavens. he is not this he is not that...but i love him... the trigger to my breakdown ytd n today is i accidentally thought of him. i ask how much i love him and do i love him... that's y i fall and break down. went to think abt it..so im hurt. what do i love abt him is jux love him, accept him.. trying to change him for the better. but he nv listens to me..he listens to his friends. as long as he smile and play truants..with those lovely eyes that he will blink... everythin is worth it... as long as he is there... i tried so hard for this relationship le... he is still like that... there is nth i can do...it has to be both ways... but soon the way i love him will be forgotten by him....soon by me as well... as that nth has happened... this is so tragic... i nv loved someone so much... i love him mre den i love myself a zillion times...........but he dun love me...he wont come back....he wont be better for me.....

guess these 2 days is my 2ht major break down after a month i guess... all i can think of is he will nv be back becox he doesnt love me anymre........... omg this is seriously shit..... i nv fail to cry when i face this words... i turned crazy.. this is not going to happen anyway... he will nv be back.... back to my side under my care.... as worthless as he may seem to many... in my eyes i jux simply love him.... but he wont be back... even he comes back, it wont happen but let's say if IF he comes back.... is it becox he hurts as much as i do? maybe he doesnt hurt at all... with his friends, his pub, his club... that is what he wants right? his life....... he made it seemed so sad....

the one who is sad i guess is jux me... once i think of him, i will be seriously hurt.. so cannot... becox i will die...my heart will hurt... with the studies to cope i cant die... although i wish i could. i dared not face alot of things...esp with him in it. once i touch it, once i read it, my tears will jux be flowing like it nv stop. i will die again... how many times mux i die???

gone are the days of quarrels. now im alone again...everyday i think of him. forcing myself to stop becox it hurts. what is suitability? what is compatability? i onli know if 2 person realli realli love each other they should nv be separated.... he doesnt love me......HE DOESNT LOVE ME.... yet i love him so much.... i really do..... he dun love me anymre................................. if he grows up, he will understand how much i love him.... maybe he wont... becox all along im guiding directions for him... the simple he wont understand... he wont even remember, he wont even care.... he wont even notice... when we separate ourselves from each other, it is meant to be like that....im not even worth anything for him to remember.....

used to tell myself after the break up i will have someone new. someone better... it doesnt make me feel better... but mre afraid... more afraid to be together with the 4th. i dreamt of janson b4 i even met him..so what if i dreamt of the 4th. all the things will come to an end after the break up... i dun wan anymre break ups... i jux wan a settled life... i dun dare to love... i told janson he is my last le... i dun wanto spend time finding a new guy, starting a relationship all over again. but i also told him there are things once he broke the limit, i will nv trust again... so i guess my life jus hang there ma?......... he broke the last guy perception, so i will nv stand again...am i?

okies finally at 9.11am my tears stop flowing...till another break down if not i guess the blog will be left untouch for a long long time..... accumalated?

meanwhile i will try to live... living is hard... it's ok it's ok...when it is hard i will cry again...today i cough out blood when brushing my teeth. the doc says if i dun start taking care of my health, my kidney will have problems... if onli janson is here to take care of me.... but im always the one taking care of him.... truth is nvm... as long as he is there, even as unconcern as he is.... as long as he is there and smiles at me... i will be fine alone.. becox he is there.... that guy dun even know how to take care of himself! how is he going to take care of me! then again, he will nv notice, he will nv care. things will end.....like he doesnt love me anymore....

finally! at long last

been so so long since i leave a post on my blog...

still stupid life...stupid ppl that piss me off...i duno...they jux sux...nth happy things happened recently...the only thing i can be happy abt is dear loves me...met a new brother named edward in maple...he's nice...and sensible...unlike some outrageous guys...that always have attitude problem and treat u nicely when they feel like too....and they truely sux...

here im in my emrs...things comes and goes...many happenings...with some ppl going for 1 hr lunch even during events...selfish i mux say.....wanto claim credit for everything yet when things cork up, they push things to u...although i know they have a reason to becox they are bz...bt so am i...but still dun understand y u cant talk to the customer when u can call me to remind me to call the customer... horrendously stupid...

missing some of my DBI pals...they are nice gals...dun like having such messy things..so pls if u wan a lasting friendship with me dun leaving a messy patch n wait for me to clean it up..becox given my character,i will jux look and walk away...

*** the things u do are getting on my nerves and seriously it irritated me alot...i shall nt say any further but watch it!

***musical box is so peaceful loving... but maybe im too sensitive and harsh towards alot of things... parying hard for a better tml...

there's smth that sux mre in this world... I SUX FROM HEAD TO TOE...Seriously hate living**** across my heart~

hurt by a relationship

sometimes i jux feel that in life it is jux so unfair...well i cant say im very and extremely considerate but i do care abt how others feel and think abt me...isnt it true that ppl judge u by ur way of handling things and ur behaviour?

been thru quite alot this year...first it was tonnes and tonnes of worries and fretting abt project...den friendship and more friendship problems....im beginning to see how ugly adult world is...is jux so upside down and not mature at all...im nt claiming to be mature...but have u ever encounter adults that are practically (nothing to say abt them sia) having such a big suck up attitude problem...they always think that they are right and yet they refuse to listen to wad others got to say...and the hilarious things is that many many of the adults in the world made up this kind...so far i have never seen a truely good adult that display righteous,caring and kind,big ambition yet humble with good upbringing...is that too much to ask for?there are plenytiful of traits that is revolving but wad i ux said is onli that little few....then again this pal of mine...

i thought we been thru so so many things...brave thru so hard handling relationship and many projects together...we pratically onli have each other to count on...yet...im doubtful against her...u may ask wad is the problem with me...becox sometimes talking to her is like talking to air...she wont give u a reply n refuse to tell u anything...so think how am i able to understand her?all i could do is jux be there for her and let her know im always there...i will be her shelter nt becox i pity her...becox i take her as a person more impt that myself...

she once told me things that her reaction might be...but sometimes i jux doubt so...sometimes she hurts me unknowingly n yet i still continue to smile at her...so now im jux saying i dun wanto be that noble anything...now that she has her own partner that will fork out time n effort for her...it quite a saddening thin when u treat others even more impt than urself yet on her blog she jux post a entry that say y do u keep asking n reminding me of him...when all i wanto know is her thinking her feelings and using strategies to make her happy...seemed like a lot of things have got unappreciated and left me hurt n i dun feel like walking down the road with her...

been bullied at work too...call abt 191ppl on the phone jux to ask the same question...but this is really nth becox all i wanted to get is experience...the main thing that irritates me is that my abilities are being doubted...so wad if i can finish the book in a day...does it matter?isnt is better?so it actually helps me at work and make life easier for the supervisor????i dun understand adults man...so shallow...first is they expect u nt to slack yet they acutally doubt u when u can finish the reading the book in a day when they didnt even finish half of it????life is jux so unfair...but i nv expect my life to get better...i jux wanto help others...those that really need my help...i would love to coach ppl..becox at the same time i will be learning from them too...learning goes two ways...my thinking may be like that for now so jux hope that when i grow up...these thinking will stay within me....

things jux happen that way

have been crying jux now...was hurt by a love one...but i will be ok...received my results liao...not too bad.. but gpa still low...hoping to get good grades...haha...in fact i was very happy to get back my result...i feel that i scored well...i worked so hard for it...den again dearie's result was not bad either...his gpa is back to how it was...clap clap...happy for me...but we quarrelled over it last night..

so many things happened...jux called to find out from nyp human link to see if there is any job avaliable for me...wanted to work really badly...not becox of the money...but jux to kill time...so indirectly im jux saying im bored...imagine if i get a job i have things to do and not so bored and IM EARNING MONEY!!! killing two birds with one stone...so nice..but somnetimes ppl jux think im crazy...who would wanto work if one can relax and stay at home and play games...maybe im jux dull....sobbies...

been wroking for onli 3 times but earned $112 le...guess i was some easy money bah..all i did ws be confident that's all...can u believe it?

ok back to nyp human link...i chose to work in asianmall,survey,researchplus den DBS...hope one of these will entitled me to a job...pay wise is $5.50 for asian mall, $6-15 for surveyor, researchplus i forgot le den DBS is ermmmm.... sry onli can remember is week end job...ok got it... the pay for DBS is $6 before training and $10 after training so i really wonder wad do they mean by that...

life has been pretty hard on me...but nv will i complain becox i have been thru the worsest...but my worsest is considered fortunate by some other ppl.. they are really hard up so i guess they really do deserve smth better...life cant be always so unfair...lalalala...and dun ever think im that noble! i also want ppl to be concern and care abt me too... but somehow i feel that i have been losing myself for these few years....being is kid is still always better... strange phenomen all ppl that been thru wad they think is hard they will wanto be a kid...lol...sighhhhhhhhh.....

emo

someone is always not fail to stress me out..duno y...sobbies...always like that de...sob sob sob...y like that one sia...sigh..stress stress stress.....nvm...she is no harm nt a threat...

jux celebrated my birthday few days ago on 31 aug...went out with my bestie...n jan of cox...i gt a new swiss watch n a mp4 oh! although duno how to use...T.T sianed...sad that so little ppl remember my birthday...but nvm...it's ok...

had a nice lunch for bday over at fish and co at amk hub...and den received nice nice present finally the lovely n most beautiful birthday i ever received...the cake tasted nice plus appearance totally 100marks...played pool again later on...but it was well spent with 2 best people in my life..


today ma...almost gt knock down by vehicles for a few times...was in a dazed...troubled by the present n past....psychological barrier..so best nt to ask,probe or talked abt it...was drenched today too...heavy rain...went to walk in the rain although gt umbrella...

kkz tt's all for today...nid to slp early n prepared for work tml...at 9.45am tajong pagar...hope wont be late..

guilt stricken

back again to blog....mind in a whirl....becox of someone....someone i dun wish to think of someone i dun want think...yet he keep appearing in my mind....it act really makes me feel so guilty towards jan....really cant concentrate on studies like that....tml i will die le...sure de...confirm die le....waiting for god of death to issue card for me.........................

Sorry dear...im an idiot and a stupid fool...arghhhh...all becox of him....i dun wish to see him ever again....

dying

today went to played pool with jan...was feeling sick today...sobbies....having a fever right now too....feel hot and cold therefore duno whether to wear a jacket anot...sob....then again today is not a fruitful day....studying is getting on my nerves....T.T.... maybe becox im sick and wants to play...now will be in studying mode till 10pm...10.30pm sharp will go to bed and wake up at 6.45am tml...this is for tml business finance exams...start at 8.30-10am....die still gt 2 dman tough chapter to study....need to practice too....envious of my friend...so good in studies and always so hardworking so she always have no worries...

today went to play pool with jan for 3 matches...saw abel anson and darren too...darren n anson ka jiao janson....darren is like that haha....but too bad...all of us are still nt yet close to play pool together...after that me n jan head to school to study and ve prata...den 6.30pm we went to play pool..left k pool at 7.30pm and rush home to study finance...im starting to get worried...hope all these exams will end soon...sian...gtg study liao...